Raising Cain
Jack Radcliffe
2/19/2010

When our daughter was a baby, a friend who had raised a daughter and two boys gave me this perspective: Boys are a lot easier to raise than girls are. In many ways, he was right. However, I discovered with my three boys what adolescent psychologists are also concluding: For boys, growing up in America is getting harder, and parenting those boys is proving to be more challenging than ever.

On January 12, 2006, a PBS documentary called "Raising Cain: Boys in Focus" drew attention to the difficulties boys and adolescent young men experience as they grow up. Dr. Michael Thompson, host of the PBS special and author of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys, identified several key areas in which boys are not doing so well: in the classroom, in handling their emotions, and in expressing their anger. He cited examples including poor grades; relational problems with other boys in school; the free use of foul, and often vulgar, language regardless of faith background; and anger that is disproportionate to the situation. In fact, boys in the U.S. are more violent than other boys in the rest of the industrialized world.

When we begin to see these symptoms in our boys, whether we’re parents, grandparents, or concerned adults, one of our first impulses is focus on the behavior. I’ll admit I was caught off guard when I began to experience these challenges with my boys, and my first reaction was to find out why, address the disrespect, and get things back under control. Unfortunately, they couldn’t tell my why they felt the need to yell or punch the wall. Swearing, I’m told, is the best way boys can find to express how they feel. It is next to impossible to get an egocentric, adolescent boy to understand that this way of expressing his feelings is actually abusive to others and hurts relationships.

The Christian life is most concerned with our relationships: individual and corporate relationships with God, relationships with each other as the community of faith, and relationships with the world. Guidelines for healthy and mutually supportive relationships are clearly spelled out in the Bible, particularly for parents and children.

Many people reflect on the responsibility children have to their parents in passages like Ephesians 6:1-3: "Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 'Honor your father and mother.' This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, 'things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth'"(NLT). Christian parents and Sunday school teachers seek to ingrain these truths in children from an early age.

There is also a significant body of biblical instruction to parents and other adults that shows we hold the primary responsibility for the relationship with our boys and for charting the course for their lives. This instruction is much broader and deeper than simply administering punishment and maintaining control. Old Testament passages such as Deuteronomy 6:1-8 outline the responsibility for teaching our boys within the rhythms of life. They are to learn from being with us, observing us, and hearing us. In doing so, they will learn how to live in relationship with God and others, what is appropriate, and what is mutually supportive. The health and character of our relationships provides the curriculum for our boys’ learning.

Two of the things parents and adults want to know about most when it comes to boys are boundaries and discipline. What do we do when they exercise their choice and step outside the lines? An often-overlooked verse follows the obedience section in Ephesians 6. Verse four says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord" (NLT).

Simply put, how we (especially dads) treat boys when they go off course can mean the difference between fueling their already volatile emotions and winning their hearts. Bringing the hammer down may let them know we’re in charge and get immediate compliance. However, taking the time to “discipline and instruct” means to teach, coach, and guide with appropriate (non-punitive) consequences. Doing this with the grace and mercy that come from the Lord gives boys a sense of safety in our relationships with them. It reinforces that we care deeply about them, even if they don’t agree that they wandered off course. The purpose of discipline and instruction isn’t necessarily to convince them that what they’ve done is wrong. Rather, it is to rechart their course out of the bad situation in which they find themselves.

I found this to be my biggest challenge when I was a youth pastor. And it still is today both as a parent and as someone who cares about and works with young people. It requires that I sacrifice to stay engaged, take a long-haul perspective, and deal with my own feelings when they emerge. Most importantly, I have learned that I must seek to live obediently to God in all my relationships so that my boys have the best opportunity to know they belong to God and to make choices to live with him in loving obedience.

Jack Radcliffe is a husband and father of four, Parent Coach, a seminar presenter for Parenteen (www.parenteen.com) ministry consultant with Youth Ministry Architects in Nashville, TN, and adjunct professor at Martin Methodist College. He has an MDiv from Ashland Theological Seminary in Ohio and a DMin in Practical Theology, Adolescent Development and Culture from Fuller Theological Seminary.