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How Can I Let Go of Resentment?--Ephesians 4:25-32
Jack Radcliffe
12/22/2008
I’ll never forget the summer day when I strolled into the dealership to buy my first new car. Within the month we would be outgrowing our two-door Hyundai hatchback. It was time to throw caution to the wind and buy a minivan. Our specifications were simple: air conditioning and a tape player.
Previously, we’d always bought used. Like the sleek, beautiful, 4-cylinder, 1.9-liter, 5-speed, powerless silver Ford Escort I acquired last winter for $1. It boasted the largest cargo capacity of any car in its class . . . in 1989. Even though it has weathered a lot of hard miles pretty well, it still has old and broken-down written all over it.
I still loved that car, mostly because it was a bargain. There was always a temptation to trade it in for a newer one. Broken-down and ugly, it made more sense to buy a newer one than paying for repairs every few months. Yet I decided to hang on to it until it died.
Interesting, isn’t it, that in the culture of “new” in which we live, we still have a place in our heart for old things. Heirlooms, old cars, and old houses aren’t the only things we like hang on to.
Paul calls things we like to hang on to part of the old nature. We often hear people give their testimony or life story about how their lives were in shambles—empty, shallow, seeking to satisfy their own desires at all costs. Their heart or character had no feeling or sensitivity. Without limits or restraint, they were willing to sacrifice a relationship for their own gain. Until they met Jesus. Trading in the old way of living for a new one, they started living differently.
But not every Christian has that experience. Many don’t have the shady past that led them to the doorstep of hell only to be snatched away by the grace of God. What most Christians I know have is a continuous day-to-day struggle with putting off the old, in order to follow Jesus’ way of living.
However, many of us cling—almost with a death grip—to the resentment and bitterness that well within us as a result of loving others who we feel are taking from us without giving. Do you talk to yourself while alone, playing through scenarios of how you’re going to deal with someone the next time you see him or her? When you talk to yourself, do you feel your blood pressure rising and your mood changing? Is your temper short? Or just the opposite, do you relate passive-aggressively to people who have wronged you?
In a world where self is number one, what is left is a wake of frustration, anger, bitterness, and resentment. Yes, even Christians carry this baggage of the old nature. Every day, you and I wake up in the morning to look at our roommate, spouse, children, or parents, remembering something they’ve done to us. Kids go to school not having forgotten the days, weeks, or months before when they were picked on or abused by peers.
It has taken me a while but I am finally over the shock that Christians are no better than anyone else. We whine and complain at each other. We nitpick at one another, gossip, and talk behind each other’s backs. We criticize what others have put their heart and soul into because something about it doesn’t suit our tastes or we don’t agree with how it’s being done. We all do it to each other. As followers of Jesus Christ, the longer we hold on to bitter feelings and engage in these behaviors, the more broken we become. Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
The apostle Paul has some choice words for those in the church in Ephesus who hang on to this way of life.
So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need. Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you ( Ephesians 4:25-32).
This new way of life avoids talking badly about each other and won’t let anger prevail. Will there be disagreements? Yes. Struggles? Yes. Frustrations? Definitely. We will get angry. But as Eugene Peterson paraphrases it, “Don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge” (Eph 4:26, MSG).
Buddy Hackett has said that he has had more than a few arguments with people. But, he said, “I never carry a grudge. While you’re carrying a grudge, they’re out dancing.”
Although we can’t escape the realities of living in a broken world, we can choose Jesus’ way of responding. The new life that Jesus gives involves being kind, tenderhearted, forgiving, and nurturing; building people up and affirming them; dealing with issues directly and gently, with the goal of letting go of the pain of the past.
Many of us wear a way of life that is old—it’s been around for a while. We might not like how it fits but we’ve had it for so long that it’s grown on us. Maybe we’ve gotten used to just coexisting with a spouse or sibling, and just can’t let go of the hurt. We need a new beginning, a new way of living, a new nature.
That new nature is found in Jesus Christ. Every day we have to decide to lay aside the new nature and put on Jesus Christ. Today is one of those days.
Jack Radcliffe is a husband and father, pastor, ministry consultant, and coach with Youth Ministry Architects and the Center for Youth Ministry Training, both in Nashville, TN. He is also an adjunct professor at Martin Methodist College, and a seminar presenter for ParenTeen (www.parenteen.com). He has an MDiv from Ashland Theological Seminary in Ohio and a DMin in Youth and Family Ministry from Fuller Theological Seminary.
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